We've Moved!

OK, so as much as I love my new last name, I have decided to move our blog (I use "our" loosely . . . I still don't allow Matt near the blog :D ) to a more fun URL

Please visit us at www.walkingkateastrophe.blogspot.com

And stay tuned there for a new, more exciting blogskin! Kate has found a way to bribe the IT geeks at her office to give her favors having to do with HTML code. SWEET!

What is the world coming to - and how can I help it get there?

So last week, during the show "24," Maricopa County (otherwise known as Phoenix) issued an Amber Alert. Someone had kidnapped a young hispanic child and no one could find his mother either. They did it twice during the hour that the show was on, and it was your typical "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep 'this is an amber alert' then all the details (including the woman struggling to pronounce the names, stumbling over words, etc.) beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"

What I should have been thinking:

"Oh no, that poor child, I should to out and start looking for him. I'm so glad we have the technology to make people aware when something like this happens, I bet they find him right away because of it. I don't mind the words flashing across the screen or the beeping or any of it. We have an amazing world with an amazing alert system. Thank goodness."

What I was actually thinking:

"SERIOUSLY?? During 24? I can't hear a WORD Jack Bauer is saying and I what he's saying is important because EVERY SECOND of 24 is important. This is really bothering me and that BEEPING NOISE! Make it stop! She can't even pronounce the Spanish name. LIKE IT'S WRITTEN LADY, LIKE IT'S WRITTEN. Where did you learn to read? OH MY GOSH STOP TALKING. Oh his MOTHER is missing too?? And you can't pronounce HER name? ACK! Now Jack is torturing someone and I don't know why because of the BEEEEEEPIIINNNGGGG!!! I get it I get it, it's an Amber Alert you already SAID THAT. stopitstopitstopit"

I am going to hell.

My mind is as dull as my razor

If you could read my mind, first of all you'd be very scared.

Second of all, yesterday you would have been listening to the following conversation I was having with myself on the plane to Orlando.

"Is my butt really that big or did the seats on the exit rows of all airplanes shrink all of a sudden? Seriously, this isn't going to be a comfortable flight at ALL. Maybe I should offer to switch seats with someone not in an exit row and see if I fit better . . . ok that's just stupid all the stupid seats are the same stupid size. My butt just IS that bi . . .ow my leg hurts, I wish I would have gotten some pizza before I boarded because I really hate paying five dollars for two pieces of cheese and a grape but I guess it doesn't matter because this IS a business trip hehehe. . . seriously what is with my itchy leg? SKIN FLAKES? I should have put on lotion this morning after I shaved, that was sure dumb of m . . .ok now the other leg is itchin again and it really feels like my pants are velcroed to my le. . . OH MY GOSH I ONLY SHAVED ONE OF MY LEGS THIS MORNING."

It is always with the best intentions the worst work is done - Oscar Wilde

I should live by that quote.

So, I've been trying my darndest to keep my house cleaner. It's not really a New Year's Resolution . . .more like a "I'm desperately hoping to sell my house soon and it's probably going to be listed for like eight months so I'd better get into the habit of keeping it squeaky clean now so I don't run around like a crazy person trying to make it look spic and span when someone wants to come over and look at it."

Holy run-on sentence Batman!

ANYWAY, I'm trying. Harder than I've ever tried. Those of you who know me well know that I'm just not the cleanest person. I'm not grossly dirty by any means, I'm just cluttered and, well, lazy. So I like to find shortcuts so that I can spend the least amount of time with optimal results. Thus my use of the drop-in toilet cleaner tablets. I want to write an ode to them. They are FABULOUS. Always have been. I found a similar but different product that I love even more, the Kaboom! Toilet Cleaner thing (that's totally it's official name -- NOT.) You hook the sucker up to the water tubes so that every bit of water that flows into the toilet has gone through the cleaning solution. BRILLIANT I tell you! BRILLIANT!

But I digress. This is about the tablets. See, we have one toilet downstairs that the previous owners of the house (what's the mean opposite of an 'ode?' I want to write one to them because they SUCK. Seriously. We hate them.) decided not to fix when it broke. Turns out they duct taped it's internal organs together in order to facilitate not having to spend $79 on a new toilet. So this is why the toiled got a tablet, rather than a Kaboom! cleaner. I couldn't get the duct tape off to "re-wire" the tubes through the Kaboom! cleaner. Anyway, so in goes the blue tablet. I walked away proud that, at least for the next month, the inside of the toilet would remain mostly clean and I could get away with wiping off the outside and not having to super scrub the bowl.

Cut to last night, 24 hours after said "tablet" was added to the toilet.

I was in the bathroom, doing my business, and I looked down towards the floor, like you do, right? I see a fine blue mist all over the white baseboards. I investigate further. HUGE BLUE PUDDLE OF WATER BEHIND THE TOILET. Floorboards? Warped. New baseboards? Permanently blue with the "fine spray" that had somehow ejected itself from the toilet. IT WAS EVERYWHERE.

I called Matt in and we were both just staring at the toilet, baffled. There wasn't a crack . . . there wasn't a hole . . . WHERE WAS IT COMING FROM?!?!?

It took Matt about 25 minutes to find the culprit. GULP. Me. Well, sort of. Me and my shortcut stupid BLUE TABLET. It had eaten away at the already corroded (unknown to us) washer at the bottom of the tank, and VOILA! Fine spray and dripping blue water and a ruined floor to boot.

Blue tablet or not, my laziness or not, I blame the previous owners. I want to go burn a note into their front lawn. "FIX THE TOILET WHEN IT'S BROKEN. When it starts to go, duct tape is NOT THE ANSWER PEOPLE"

I also want to watch their house closely. If they ever try to sell, I'm going to ward off potential buyers with a stick. Or a broken toilet thrown at them.

The Day Hell Froze Over

On Sunday it SNOWED in Phoenix. DID YOU HEAR ME PEOPLE?!?! S-N-O-W-E-D. Real, freezing cold snow. IN PHOENIX.

Monday morning I went out to my car and there was LOTS OF ICE ON IT. I had to dig through my trunk, cursing and screaming, looking for the lone ice scraper I thought might still be in there from the days of cold in Utah.

Now, I realize, most of you reading this blog actually LIVE in Utah where I hear it's been RIDICULOUSLY cold, so I really have nothing to complain about. However . . .

SNOW? In PHOENIX?? ARE YOU #$%&ing ME?? And they say global warming isn't affecting the world. HAHAHA. But to be honest, what I am going to do about it? Probably nothing.

Shame on me.

Have you ever had that dream . . . the one where you're naked on stage?

Yeah well . . .

My top came unbottoned on opening night. In the middle of the show, middle of a song. I looked down and there they were. My voluptuous bosoms. For the world to see. Well, for the audience made up of mostly senor citizens to see . . . I sure gave them a show!

Hope the old guys enjoyed it. I've added a camisole to my costume. I may have given them cause to come back for another round, but they won't get their money's worth THIS time!

**Disclaimer: I did have a bra on, however, my assigned costume did not facilitate the wearing of my 'jesus jammies' so I did not bare my religion to the crowd!**

Another Openin', Another Show

I can't decide if I'm nervous or not. I think not. But I'm not sure.

My show opens tonight . . . well, not OPENS . . . my cast for the show "Suds" has it's first performance tonight. We've been rehearsing like crazy this week. I'm exhausted, my eyes have that constant burning feel . . . I've been eating like crap and I haven't exercised since BEFORE Mexico.

I forgot what this was like. The non-stop rehearsing, dreaming in song (usually the song you hate most in the show), trying to get that &*$# wig to stay on, random bloopers that could happen going through your head . . . the possibility that if you skip something, you might miss a whole musical number . . . it goes on and on. I haven't actually been in a real play since high school . . . in college I did lots of little things and probably worked on the equivalent of four or five giant musical productions, but I haven't actually been in a REAL SHOW for a very, very long time. I have a degree in this, I should be the consummate professional, yet I feel like the intern going to the big scary law firm for the first time.

My friends and family have been SO supportive. I got the sweetest note from Jewels this morning about how great I would do and how, even though she couldn't be here for the opening night, she'd be in the background cheering me on. She's so great. My mom called and I got an email from my in laws. Rhonda, her roommate Marcy and of course my husband will all be there.

The show is funny, really funny. It's cheesy, but it's funny. I can't wait to perform for a real audience FINALLY. It won't just be Roger, the director who I think doesn't like me much . . . but that's OK I don't really like him either SO. THERE.

So anyway, there really isn't a point to this. I'm just saying I'm somewhere between nervous and excited. Nerxited? Exvous? Hmm, I'll have to think about that one some more. Maybe I'll come up with something while I'm driving around aimlessly trying to find a place to take a quick nap. Sadly, I've also thought about doing some yoga to stretch out my stressed, knotted back. Maybe the chiropractor? Who knows. I am obviously uptight and stupid. What more could I ask for?

Well, off I go to break a leg. Wait . . . I don't think I wish MYSELF luck by telling myself to break a leg . . . is that going to reverse the superstitious effect and actually cause a broken limb??? Thinking too hard. Must. Stop. Now.